The Black Widow is a venomous spider that is known to kill and eat the male after mating. This describes the type of macabre behaviour that I have witnessed in certain types of relationships. A type where the “Black Widow” woman, who is not interested in marriage but uses it as a socially safe way to have children and status, she has no plans to give anything but to take all and discard the host.


She Hunts…

She finds a male

– strong enough to give her good children,

– with enough potential in him for her to consume and convert to socio-economic advantage,

– good-hearted enough for her to exploit his trust and destroy him once she gains the status she needs and the children she wants.

Once she achieves this, her plan is to destroy him socio-economically or even physically once she is done with him.


She starts a relationship into marriage, she is nice at the beginning of the relationship, but usually starts being impossible after the first child and unbearable after the last.

Now she has status and the children, she feels a sense of financial and social security. The game plan kicks in, which would be to cannibalise the man’s social status to build one for herself based on the narrative of victimhood.


Because the world is sentimentally disposed to protect “victims” against the “stronger” she uses the status and appearance of a “woman” to feed on the relationship with the man and the marriage.

Her venom is the words she uses to control the narrative, she projects her own faults quickly on the man, it always sticks. It’s the man’s word against hers!

This is done to tactically to remove any grounds of rebuttal. In future, E.g. when she complains “he is not meeting my needs”, no one will remember to ask her “are his needs being met?” If he says “I am doing everything she wants, but my needs are not being met” people are in derision and complete disbelief and advise the man to continue meeting her needs even more and to stop complaining!

Lies are spread, aspersions are cast on the man’s character and insinuated statements that lead to quick negative conclusions about the man’s morality, integrity, ability are readily dispersed and strengthened by her in the social and relational environment, he is never allowed to have a side in the story, she controls the narrative…in this cleverly orchestrated, the man now hogtied, she then proceeds to


She systematically emasculates the man by whittling away at his manhood, confidence, purpose, identity. Her attacks are calculated to make him doubt himself, make people doubt him, make his children doubt him, sets him up for moral, social and relational failure… she literally skins him and wears the skin.


Everyone knows the Black Widow as the woman whose husband was “xyz” and “she is such a nice woman” this “xyz” being the social garment she has so artfully crafted and projected on him, always is the one that shows him as incomplete and incompetent, how else does she take the shine?

She keeps this going for the rest of her life, She will even then join a church to begin to pray for the husband, to change, be redeemed and restored, this increases her visibility as the “saint”, she is revered as the saviour of her home and husband… a man who now weakened, bled and struggling wonders why his once bright dreams, glory and future turned to ashes.

Bishop TD Jakes spoke once about some women who come to his church and are perpetually praying for their husbands to change, and when the husbands do, the woman stops engaging with the church and Christ. This is because they never really wanted the man to change, it just another woman wearing “the Skin” of the man, saying “help me pray to save this lost man from himself” but she was the one who needs to find her way. None would be wiser to the sinister game at work, the real-life drama she had acted out, with only one star, the rest are casualties!

The man is a casualty in such cases, I can’t tell you how many men I know that in such shoes, many who have lost their path because of women who have lived with them in these ways.

Many men have been “skinned” of their purpose, identity, relationships and destiny. They have been sucked dry of any substance or meaning by an articulate imposter who has successfully trapped and incarcerated men in relational prisons.

My heart bleeds for the men I know who are going through this, I pray the Lord will give you the courage and strength to be men and rise from your ashes. Grow new “skin” and may the glory of the Lord your God be your cloak.

A lot of men weep silently because they know they will never be heard, they are found guilty without trial, no one is interested in the man’s side of the story, men are not supposed to speak, they should bear with it. Especially if he is a public figure or a pastor.

Whilst some men have been brave enough to call out the evil and move on, some are still victims, browbeaten by society and religion to submit to the Black Widow’s game. He loses his purpose, becomes an “idolater”, an Ahab and a stooge of Jezebel, I see many ministries, missions, churches, agendas that have succumbed and given over their future and influence to “Baal” in this way.

Another casualty is the children,


typically the daughters will inherit the Black Widows traits, they will find her life easy and desirable, without help they will continue the franchise, they will never be able to respect a husband, hold a home together, they would have learnt the art of subterfuge and deception, how to play to public sympathy, sacrificing attention and affection for those who are closest to them. They never had the pleasure of being defined or inspired by their father, because he was made a nobody before them by the person, he trusted the most.

There are many women who have grown up in these types of homes, they are playing out the scripts and they contribute to the high statistics of divorce and separation happening in our world today. If you find yourself to be a Black Widow, go get help, don’t kill your husband!

I asked a young lady once about her relationship with her dad, she says “not too good, he wasn’t a good dad, he was never around” I said, “really!” “Didn’t he live with you?” “He did” she said, “it’s just that he was never there for us”, “how do you mean?” I asked, “oh, he always just provided money, but he never took us out to the park, and played with us like our mum did!” (I noted “… like our mum did”). I asked, “if he provided money, whilst your mum wasn’t working, how did you come by the opinion that he wasn’t a good dad?” “I don’t know” she said, “was that what you heard your mum say about him?” I asked, “yes” she said, “mum always complained that he should spend more time playing with us”, I asked, “did mum every speak well of him, his work to provide for the home, did she ever honour his labour to provide and to lead?” “No” she said.

She has picked up a common lopsided narrative, that many women destroy their husbands with, she never heard him being honoured, only nagged and scolded, she never heard him celebrated, it was his duty to provide. His sacrifice to provide structure for the household was never communicated to the children, it was the woman’s they saw, she never sang his praises and made him their hero… he was treated like one of the children, who was supposed to do as he was told… this is not motherhood!


Sons who grow up in a house where a Black Widow is operating, would have experienced first-hand how one of their kind (a man) had been systematically broken, destroyed, played and finished.

They have seen him disrespected, and dishonoured; they have imagined the trauma the Black Widow put their father through and will often decide that marriage is not for them.

They often turn out to be players, or not even interested in women at all, such is the result when a woman cannibalises the persona of the male in the home, she traumatises the younger males and “castrates” them psychologically when she takes away the identity, role and position of their father.

Millions of men grew up in these kinds of homes, this is why they are not able to commit to a marriage, because no one likes to the “eaten” so they will likely settle for a career, or even if they do marry, they will always like to have “options” of other women to protect themselves from being “trapped” socially, relationally and emotionally, to such an extent that they would become helpless and without options.

I pray that the spirit of the Father in heaven, the Father of our Lord Jesus, will restore the broken image of Manhood, Fatherhood, Sonship and Husbandhood. I pray that many men who have been victims of this and other forms of relational trauma as Sons, Husbands and Fathers will find hope in our saviour, the Prince of peace. May you all find your identity restored in Him; may you find the courage in Him to stand once again.

For all women, I pray that Christ the Son of God will restore the broken image of Womanhood, Motherhood, Sonship and Wifehood (Sonship is about maturity in the spirit, it’s not gender), I pray that many women who have been victims of this or any other relational dysfunction, abuse or trauma will find rest in your Lord. May you become the nurturers the Lord created you to be… the first woman was described as “the mother of all living” God hasn’t changed His mind about you being His nurturer of all things created, starting from the home.

Be blessed!

It’s an evolving study, I would like to have your thoughts and insights on this, and look forward to constructive comments and questions.